No Bun

So, for the past 13 days, I've pondered the concept that I could be pregnant. (Every conceivable variant of that concept has rolled through my mind during those 13 days.)

Fortunately, the chances were beyond slim. My beloved had a vasectomy years and years ago. However, it is what I would call an "unproven" vasectomy because his ex-wife had to have a partial hysterectomy not long after the birth of their third child.

By all accounts, I should be relatively un-fertile these days - and that, coupled with a vasectomy (proven or not) ought to do the trick.

It turns out that there is no bun in this oven... instead, the baker is insane (my hormones are simply WHACK and they are taking my emotions along for the ride). In the past couple of days, I've found myself sitting on my bed with my face buried in the bedspread more than once. I've also cried while folding laundry.

I dislike feeling overwhelmed - especially by emotions and quite particularly by emotions that are only really rooted in a biochemical circumstance. It irritates me. The irritation feeds my emotions which are already greedily gobbling me up from the inside out.

I think the thing that distresses me the most about all of this (at least in this moment) is that what seems to be driving force behind this cycle's trip to WHACKVILLE is a desperate need to make sure everyone ELSE is having a perfect experience. I'm tortured by the concept that I'm not a good hostess/teacher/lover/mate/blah/blah/blah.

And, sitting here now, with distance between me and the moments that drove my face into the blankets, all I really want to say is FUCK THAT. What about me? Maybe I need to have a perfect experience of "good guest behavior" or "willing student" or anything else in the whole world that would make me feel nurtured or cared for.

Yet, here I am (again) not even offering MYSELF the care that I need and deserve. If I can't be bothered to give it to myself, how can I expect anyone else to do so? Even in light of that, I am terribly blessed to have man who helps me fold the tear-jerking laundry and who offers hugs that seem to do me more good than herbal remedies ever could. This fact, however, does not excuse me from being nice to myself.

So, I took a small step today. The idea of going to the wireless phone store was stressful... and so when given the choice between today and tomorrow, I chose what felt more relaxed to me.

Low and behold... the world didn't end.